How Disordered Eating Started for Me
I don’t remember exactly when I first began struggling with body image issues. Just like many of my peers, I grew up under the oppression of unattainable beauty standards. Being thin was just one of them. And for much of my life, I was thin. It wasn’t until I developed some health issues that required medications with unsavory side effects that I began to have trouble maintaining my weight. My once effortlessly thin frame wasn’t quite as thin, and I didn’t have the control over my body that I felt I once had. From there, it was easy to spiral into a tailspin of disordered eating.
I first encountered the power of restricted eating in college. Living next to the dorm gym meant I had easy access to workout equipment, and I used it to my advantage. I began eating little to nothing and working out for hours a day. It was very effective. However, praise God I met someone who had gone through something similar, and she recognized the signs of disordered eating in me. Though she hardly knew me, she pulled me aside and confronted me about the dangerous path I was taking to be thin. Outwardly, I heeded her advice and stopped starving myself, stopped trying to throw up food I ate. But a seed had already been planted, one that would grow into a massive, threatening shadow that would hang over my head for years to come.
For years I maintained a healthy weight, but I struggled with every bite of food I took. I felt endless guilt; food became both a comfort and an enemy, and its effect on my body dominated my thoughts and behavior. So, when I needed to lose the weight I’d gained during my first pregnancy, it was easy to slip right back into the pattern of disordered eating. Once again, I started cutting foods and working out obsessively, often multiple times a day. I lost weight quickly, and I was praised for it. Those praising me had no idea of the price I’d paid, but it felt good to be “myself’ again. Except I wasn’t myself; I was a shadow lurking in the corners, avoiding the very sustenance of life that draws us together. I was a wisp of a person so focused on appearances that my own health did not matter. It was anything but sustainable.
How I Still Struggle with Disordered Eating
When I discovered I was pregnant with my second child, I decided to shut the door to disordered eating for good. No longer would I be a slave to standards that are neither healthy nor edifying to anyone. I would honor the body God gave me by stewarding it faithfully. But just because I decided to stop disordered eating, it doesn’t mean the disordered thoughts automatically stopped. That was a battle I knew I’d fight for the rest of my life. It has been 9 years since I closed that door, and those thoughts still visit me, though they have substantially less power than they once did. Still, due to chronic health issues, I’ve had to practice some restrictive eating for the last couple of years, which is not conducive to food freedom. But I am determined to hold the ground I’ve gained in recovery. I’m determined to overcome.
What I Do to Overcome Disordered Eating
When disordered thoughts assail me, as they often do, I am armed with a plethora of coping mechanisms. However, it’s worth mentioning that in order to shift my mindset about food in general, I practice mindful eating. Mindfulness is the art of being fully present in the moment and acknowledging whatever sensations develop without judgment. Mindful eating means savoring each bite, appreciating other sensations such as the aromas and sounds of cooking, and paying attention to hunger and fullness cues. This helps me slow down and think about why I’m eating the foods I eat and appreciate what they have to offer me. I find that when I’m more mindful in my eating, I make better food choices and I am more satisfied with my meals.
Eating mindfully is not the only solution, though. In fact, sometimes I choose to mindfully eat something overindulgent, or something I know may cause symptoms. When I know I’m going to be eating something that could cause negative thought patterns, whether it be guilt from indulging or symptoms from food triggers, I pray before I eat and ask God to help me continue to be grateful for the food I have, no matter how I feel after. I also try to remember that I chose to eat those foods regardless of the outcome and that I had a reason for doing so.
What Happens When I Feel Guilt and Shame
All foods have a purpose. If I wasn’t eating to nourish my body, I was eating to nourish my soul, and that is also important.
Even with mindful eating, I still fall prey to the inevitable guilt and shame from time to time, and that is when the real test happens. It usually occurs after I’ve indulged more than I meant to, developed particularly uncomfortable symptoms, or if I’ve had to eat something unexpected on an outing I wasn’t prepared for. It hits me like a brick wall, and suddenly I feel guilty. Like I did something bad. Like I ate something bad. In the past, this would have meant going hungry or doing extra workouts to make up for it. Now, however, I choose a different path, one that allows me to form positive reinforcements instead of negative associations.
When I feel myself beginning to spiral, I remind myself that:
If I was craving a particular food, I sent my body and my nervous system signals of safety by honoring that craving. My body knows it’s safe and loved when I nourish it well.
All foods have a purpose. If I wasn’t eating to nourish my body, I was eating to nourish my soul, and that is also important. (Psalm 107:9)
Food is meant to be satisfying, and I am thankful to have been able to partake in such a satisfying and delicious meal.
In addition to these positive affirmations that I recite until the negative thoughts roll away, there are some questions I can ask myself on particularly tough days that help me to remember why recovery is so important.
Who am I honoring with these thoughts? Are they honoring God? Are they edifying to me?
What am I comparing myself to? Is it a Godly standard, or a man-made one?
Would I be ok with my daughter thinking the same things about her body as I do about mine?
At the end of the day, no matter how much I’m struggling with these thoughts, I refuse to let them govern how I eat. I eat when I’m hungry, and I consume nourishing whole foods that I know are good for me. I give into cravings when they are reasonable and determine that logic and intuition will be my guide, rather than the spiral of shame that leads to nothing but feelings of inadequacy and hunger.
Conclusion
I know it’s not easy to say these things and ask these questions when you’re in the throes of disordered thinking. If I’m being honest, I probably would not have entertained such thoughts at my worst. But it gets easier with practice. It gets better when you understand the purpose of food and the vital role it plays in your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Every food has a purpose, and while some foods are better than others at nourishing our bodies, the most satisfying experience is being able to enjoy them without the negative consequences of unnecessary shame. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-14), and our bodies are not our own (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). We are to treat our bodies as the temples they are, not as a tool to gain acceptance in a world that has neither your health nor your salvation in mind.
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