For way too much of my life, I believed healing meant becoming better at following the rules. Be quieter. Be more agreeable. Be more modest, more disciplined. Be less visible. Problem was, I took up space. I had opinions, needs, dreams. And I was taught to put them all down for the comfort of others. That if I didn’t, it would be my undoing. That if I followed the rules, life would be safer. Instead, I became exhausted. Abandoned. Sick.
Trying so hard to follow those rules and fit that mold became my undoing.
Six years after leaving the environment that shaped those rules, I’m realizing something strange. Many of the rules – even those outside of that environment – were never about health, holiness, or wisdom. They were about control. And healing has meant breaking them.
The Rules that Erased Me
When I first joined the church where I met my husband, they posited themselves as the “one with all the answers.” They taught lessons no one else did, in a way everyone else was afraid to. There were so many red flags, and I immediately recognized the oppression. But unfortunately, I eventually caved. I rode the high of spiritual superiority until it came crashing down around me. And in the meantime, I completely lost myself. My identity was stripped away, little by little, until I was unrecognizable. And not in a transformed-in-Christ way. In a broken, sick, traumatized, empty way.
I was taught maturity meant shrinking, that holiness meant disappearing. That my piercings were sinful. That godly submission meant I didn’t have a voice. That anything that set me apart was just me begging for attention. I took my piercings out. I stopped coloring my hair. I stopped having opinions, stopped making decisions. Stopped wearing color. Stopped being colorful.
I never thought I’d get back what I lost, even though we left that church six years ago. Little did I know that putting my piercings back in would be one of the most exciting things I’ve done. Little did I know that coloring my hair would feel like healing – like reclaiming a small piece of me that I thought was gone forever.
It’s not about the piercings or the hair color. It’s about breaking rules that were breaking me. I did it to heal.
The Myth of Good Rules
American society has so many unspoken rules. Often, these rules masquerade as wisdom, but they’re just a form of control. They’re a way to keep you stuck in a rut that preserves the status quo. The rules might sound virtuous, but they can actually be quite harmful. Rules like:
- Your house must always be spotless
- You should climb one career ladder for your entire life
- Marriage means permanent sacrifice of self
- Rest must be earned
- You must keep the peace at all costs
- You are responsible for others’ comfort
- You should not change your mind
- You should not disappoint people
- You should always be agreeable
Many of these rules are praised as discipline or virtue. But when followed rigidly, they can produce something else entirely: burnout, anxiety, and self-erasure. Sadly, I know this from experience. But the good news is, these rules can be broken.
Perfectionism Is a Control System
Have you ever thought to yourself, “When we get this house project done, we’ll be able to invite friends over?” Or “I’m not successful unless I get that promotion.” Or “I’ll wear that dress if I lose five pounds.”
Perfectionism is a trap. It’s the devil’s work disguised as God’s calling. God doesn’t expect perfection; it’s why he offered salvation through His son. Society puts these expectations on you so that you’ll work endlessly to meet its standards – and for what? Who’s going to give you a medal? Perfectionism keeps you too busy striving for it to truly enjoy your life. It keeps you too distracted to appreciate what is most important.
Perfectionism says:
- The house must be perfect before guests come
- The body must be perfect before wearing certain clothes
- The career must be linear
- The marriage must appear flawless
- The emotions must be contained
Result:
- People stop inviting others over
- People stay in jobs they hate
- People stay in communities that hurt them
- People suppress identity
Perfectionism promises peace, but it often delivers stress, depression, and disillusionment.
Rules Worth Keeping
I don’t believe in breaking every rule, just rules that keep us sick, stressed, and deprived of joy. Rules that exist simply to make us smaller, quieter, more exhausted, and easier to control. These rules are not wisdom, they’re cages. I fully believe in keeping rules that actually protect life and enable us to live peaceably among our brethren. Rules like:
- Respecting others
- Protecting the vulnerable
- Telling the truth
- Keeping the law
- Being accountable for harm
- Practicing kindness
- Honoring consent
These rules are meant to keep us safe, happy, stable, and peaceful. They honor us and they honor others simultaneously, without detracting from those practicing them. Rules, of course, are how we govern a society, and they are necessary. Some rules encourage us to be the very best versions of ourselves – these rules should be followed.
What Breaking the Rules Gave Me
It wasn’t until very recently that I began to question why we were following some of these rules to begin with. As a thirty-something who had been derailed in her career, her relationships, and in pretty much every way, I felt like a failure. Like I had failed to produce enough, failed to put up with the abuse the right way, failed to move sooner. Failed to white knuckle my way through life until things blew over. And then I started to realize those rules were made up. No one was going to be sitting beside me at the end of my life, patting me on the back, for letting a career change who I was at my very core. There was no reward – except for an inflated ego – for having a perfectly presentable house. No one gets a medal for not resting sufficiently.
So, I began to break the rules. I unfurled – I relaxed. I started asking myself what I wanted out of life. I wanted piercings. I wanted purple hair – yes, even in my late thirties! I wanted a healthier, more dynamic lifestyle. I even realized some deeply buried desires I didn’t know I had! And the strange thing about breaking these rules is that life didn’t fall apart. It opened up.
Consider breaking some rules. Take charge of your own freedom.
- Freedom to rest
- Freedom to change
- Freedom to host people imperfectly
- Freedom to try new work
- Freedom to disappoint people
Don’t let the expectations of others determine how you live. They have their lives; you have yours. Enjoy it.
- What rules are you following that nobody actually asked you to follow?
- What rule are you afraid to break?
- What would your life look like without it?
- Who benefits from you staying small?
Let Go and Let Live
Healing for me didn’t come from learning better rules. It came from realizing that many of the rules I was taught were never meant to help me live well – though they are marketed as such. They were meant to keep me manageable. Now, my rulebook is a little smaller.
Be kind.
Tell the truth.
Respect others.
Follow the law – and God’s instructions.
Beyond that? Well, I’m still learning to live.
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